This Is Me.

I’m an actress. A pretender. See, I’m acting everyday. Not on stage but everywhere. I’m acting at school. I’m acting at home. Adults, they get the actress. But when I'm with friends, I'm a pretender. And when I'm alone, you'd think it'd stop. I'd just let loose and be me. But no. I continue pretending.

At school, I act like I’m part of the "popular" group. So I walk by the “Knight” as much as possible. Luckily I have a few friends that hang over there so I can get away with this pretty easily. I can just stand and talk to them and no one will question me. 

At home, I act like I am exactly what my parents want me to be. When they ask if I’ve done something like homework, or an obligation/responsibility, I always tell them I have. Even if I haven’t. I hate disappointing them. So I lie. I tell them what they want to hear. I can make up the best stories you wouldn't even believe. I'm a liar. It's who I am. So I pretend that I'm perfect. But it's really all just a lie.

Adults think I’m the perfect child that everyone wants. Because I act like it around them. Always outshining their kids. Always smiling. Laughing. Excelling in all of my extra-curricular activities. If only they knew that I flunked my math class last term. If only they knew that if I could, I would sneak out every single night instead of maybe just once a week. If only they knew I sneak out. If only they knew a lot more yelling and fighting goes on at home then we let on. Then I could stop acting.


When I don't feel like acting anymore, I pretend. I pretend like I have all the friends in the world. Even though I know I’m desperately searching for new ones everyday. I pretend like I’m the funniest one and that none of my friends talk behind my back. But I know I’m not and I know they do. And I pretend like it doesn’t hurt. But it does. More than I will admit. I pretend like the fights that we get into don't matter because it'll all blow over. But really I hold grudges and I don't forget anything. I can remember almost every fight we've ever gotten into. But I pretend that I can't remember and that they don't matter because I'm scared of losing the only close friends I have. 

You’d think when I’m alone I stop pretending. I’d stop acting. But you’d be wrong. Because I don’t. I pretend like I’m skinnier than I am. I’m not fat, I could just lose a couple pounds. So I pretend like that extra weight isn’t there. I pretend like without practice, I can still be the all-star that I wish to be. Really it's just because I’m lazy as shiz. I pretend like I’m one of the prettiest girls in the world. Then reality hits and I realize that I’m not. I’m not saying I’m ugly. But reality tells me that I’m not model material either. Just average. Which I'm okay with. I pretend like things with my brother are still the same. But they’re not. And they never will be again. Because of stupid mistakes he's made in his past I know he'll continue his life with many regrets. And I just hope that one day he can wake up and realize that as well. But for now he's still sleeping and I'm still pretending. I pretend like I have all the time in the world. At first it’s only 1:30 in the afternoon, then I wake up and all of the sudden it’s 8:00 in the evening and my day is gone and I’m screwed and my grades are screwed and that nap did nothing because I'm still tired.. I pretend like anything I do will please my dad and make him proud. But once I put some thought into it, I realize that that could never happen. Because it seems like he’ll never accept my success'.

So you see, of course I am me. I know I am. Underneath all of this acting and pretending. I just wish everyone would know what I just wrote so that I could stop what I’m doing and go back to being.. me. 

Getting out.

College is coming
There's been a lot of talk
And excitement in this house
I'm going to a better school
Than both of my brothers
So my parents are happy.

But I guess
My dad
Doesn't believe in me.
Thinks I'll fail
Not be able to do anything
Without them.

I'm going to prove you wrong
Dad
I'm going to finally make you
Proud.

You'll see.

Joey.

Hi. My name is Joey. I'm a dog. A husky actually. Pretty big for my size..bigger than most. I have an owner. She cares for me, but sometimes I feel like she's just going through the motions. We wake up, she lets me outside, I do my business, scratch on the door to be let in, there's food in my bowl by now, and while I'm eating she leaves for school. When she gets home, we do the same routine over again until she leaves for work. But you see, it's what goes on while my owner is away that I want to show you.

There's this little hitch in the gate in the backyard that I've somehow learned to wiggle in and out of. Beyond that gate is a world of wonders. Mysteries! I've become quite well known on the other side of that gate. Always lurking about the town. But the other day, I met someone new. Someone who has never been to town before. He is a human of course, and we took a liking to each other immediately. Tall, brown hair, dark skin, slightly freckled along the bridge of his nose. He has strong features and is very toned. Capable of being a good owner I could tell.
I started following him around. We went everywhere together. To the park; where we rolled in the long, lush grass for hours. Then he took me to the ice cream parlor and let me choose any flavor I wanted. I knew I liked him already. It's just that I couldn't get my real owners face out of my mind.

What would she do if she knew I liked this guy better?
Should I abandon her?
How would this make me feel?
What if he's dangerous? Then what?