This Is Me.

I’m an actress. A pretender. See, I’m acting everyday. Not on stage but everywhere. I’m acting at school. I’m acting at home. Adults, they get the actress. But when I'm with friends, I'm a pretender. And when I'm alone, you'd think it'd stop. I'd just let loose and be me. But no. I continue pretending.

At school, I act like I’m part of the "popular" group. So I walk by the “Knight” as much as possible. Luckily I have a few friends that hang over there so I can get away with this pretty easily. I can just stand and talk to them and no one will question me. 

At home, I act like I am exactly what my parents want me to be. When they ask if I’ve done something like homework, or an obligation/responsibility, I always tell them I have. Even if I haven’t. I hate disappointing them. So I lie. I tell them what they want to hear. I can make up the best stories you wouldn't even believe. I'm a liar. It's who I am. So I pretend that I'm perfect. But it's really all just a lie.

Adults think I’m the perfect child that everyone wants. Because I act like it around them. Always outshining their kids. Always smiling. Laughing. Excelling in all of my extra-curricular activities. If only they knew that I flunked my math class last term. If only they knew that if I could, I would sneak out every single night instead of maybe just once a week. If only they knew I sneak out. If only they knew a lot more yelling and fighting goes on at home then we let on. Then I could stop acting.


When I don't feel like acting anymore, I pretend. I pretend like I have all the friends in the world. Even though I know I’m desperately searching for new ones everyday. I pretend like I’m the funniest one and that none of my friends talk behind my back. But I know I’m not and I know they do. And I pretend like it doesn’t hurt. But it does. More than I will admit. I pretend like the fights that we get into don't matter because it'll all blow over. But really I hold grudges and I don't forget anything. I can remember almost every fight we've ever gotten into. But I pretend that I can't remember and that they don't matter because I'm scared of losing the only close friends I have. 

You’d think when I’m alone I stop pretending. I’d stop acting. But you’d be wrong. Because I don’t. I pretend like I’m skinnier than I am. I’m not fat, I could just lose a couple pounds. So I pretend like that extra weight isn’t there. I pretend like without practice, I can still be the all-star that I wish to be. Really it's just because I’m lazy as shiz. I pretend like I’m one of the prettiest girls in the world. Then reality hits and I realize that I’m not. I’m not saying I’m ugly. But reality tells me that I’m not model material either. Just average. Which I'm okay with. I pretend like things with my brother are still the same. But they’re not. And they never will be again. Because of stupid mistakes he's made in his past I know he'll continue his life with many regrets. And I just hope that one day he can wake up and realize that as well. But for now he's still sleeping and I'm still pretending. I pretend like I have all the time in the world. At first it’s only 1:30 in the afternoon, then I wake up and all of the sudden it’s 8:00 in the evening and my day is gone and I’m screwed and my grades are screwed and that nap did nothing because I'm still tired.. I pretend like anything I do will please my dad and make him proud. But once I put some thought into it, I realize that that could never happen. Because it seems like he’ll never accept my success'.

So you see, of course I am me. I know I am. Underneath all of this acting and pretending. I just wish everyone would know what I just wrote so that I could stop what I’m doing and go back to being.. me.