This Is Me.

I’m an actress. A pretender. See, I’m acting everyday. Not on stage but everywhere. I’m acting at school. I’m acting at home. Adults, they get the actress. But when I'm with friends, I'm a pretender. And when I'm alone, you'd think it'd stop. I'd just let loose and be me. But no. I continue pretending.

At school, I act like I’m part of the "popular" group. So I walk by the “Knight” as much as possible. Luckily I have a few friends that hang over there so I can get away with this pretty easily. I can just stand and talk to them and no one will question me. 

At home, I act like I am exactly what my parents want me to be. When they ask if I’ve done something like homework, or an obligation/responsibility, I always tell them I have. Even if I haven’t. I hate disappointing them. So I lie. I tell them what they want to hear. I can make up the best stories you wouldn't even believe. I'm a liar. It's who I am. So I pretend that I'm perfect. But it's really all just a lie.

Adults think I’m the perfect child that everyone wants. Because I act like it around them. Always outshining their kids. Always smiling. Laughing. Excelling in all of my extra-curricular activities. If only they knew that I flunked my math class last term. If only they knew that if I could, I would sneak out every single night instead of maybe just once a week. If only they knew I sneak out. If only they knew a lot more yelling and fighting goes on at home then we let on. Then I could stop acting.


When I don't feel like acting anymore, I pretend. I pretend like I have all the friends in the world. Even though I know I’m desperately searching for new ones everyday. I pretend like I’m the funniest one and that none of my friends talk behind my back. But I know I’m not and I know they do. And I pretend like it doesn’t hurt. But it does. More than I will admit. I pretend like the fights that we get into don't matter because it'll all blow over. But really I hold grudges and I don't forget anything. I can remember almost every fight we've ever gotten into. But I pretend that I can't remember and that they don't matter because I'm scared of losing the only close friends I have. 

You’d think when I’m alone I stop pretending. I’d stop acting. But you’d be wrong. Because I don’t. I pretend like I’m skinnier than I am. I’m not fat, I could just lose a couple pounds. So I pretend like that extra weight isn’t there. I pretend like without practice, I can still be the all-star that I wish to be. Really it's just because I’m lazy as shiz. I pretend like I’m one of the prettiest girls in the world. Then reality hits and I realize that I’m not. I’m not saying I’m ugly. But reality tells me that I’m not model material either. Just average. Which I'm okay with. I pretend like things with my brother are still the same. But they’re not. And they never will be again. Because of stupid mistakes he's made in his past I know he'll continue his life with many regrets. And I just hope that one day he can wake up and realize that as well. But for now he's still sleeping and I'm still pretending. I pretend like I have all the time in the world. At first it’s only 1:30 in the afternoon, then I wake up and all of the sudden it’s 8:00 in the evening and my day is gone and I’m screwed and my grades are screwed and that nap did nothing because I'm still tired.. I pretend like anything I do will please my dad and make him proud. But once I put some thought into it, I realize that that could never happen. Because it seems like he’ll never accept my success'.

So you see, of course I am me. I know I am. Underneath all of this acting and pretending. I just wish everyone would know what I just wrote so that I could stop what I’m doing and go back to being.. me. 

Getting out.

College is coming
There's been a lot of talk
And excitement in this house
I'm going to a better school
Than both of my brothers
So my parents are happy.

But I guess
My dad
Doesn't believe in me.
Thinks I'll fail
Not be able to do anything
Without them.

I'm going to prove you wrong
Dad
I'm going to finally make you
Proud.

You'll see.

Joey.

Hi. My name is Joey. I'm a dog. A husky actually. Pretty big for my size..bigger than most. I have an owner. She cares for me, but sometimes I feel like she's just going through the motions. We wake up, she lets me outside, I do my business, scratch on the door to be let in, there's food in my bowl by now, and while I'm eating she leaves for school. When she gets home, we do the same routine over again until she leaves for work. But you see, it's what goes on while my owner is away that I want to show you.

There's this little hitch in the gate in the backyard that I've somehow learned to wiggle in and out of. Beyond that gate is a world of wonders. Mysteries! I've become quite well known on the other side of that gate. Always lurking about the town. But the other day, I met someone new. Someone who has never been to town before. He is a human of course, and we took a liking to each other immediately. Tall, brown hair, dark skin, slightly freckled along the bridge of his nose. He has strong features and is very toned. Capable of being a good owner I could tell.
I started following him around. We went everywhere together. To the park; where we rolled in the long, lush grass for hours. Then he took me to the ice cream parlor and let me choose any flavor I wanted. I knew I liked him already. It's just that I couldn't get my real owners face out of my mind.

What would she do if she knew I liked this guy better?
Should I abandon her?
How would this make me feel?
What if he's dangerous? Then what?

Full Moon

You can't find the phone so you can call it off.
But it might be for the best..
Because we're awful young and we require certain skills.
We can go undercover or hideaway.
Oh. Can you hear? When I say, "I have never felt this way."
Maybe not. So I'll just stare at this sky, looking for a star.
I'd tell you how I feel but you don't care. I'd ask you to
tell me the truth but you don't dare.

Days like this I don't know what to do with myself all day and all night.
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath I say to myself,

"I need fuel... to take flight."

Boy you make my speakers explode. Dancing on the tailgate in the full moon? Yeah that kind of thing makes me go... Mhmmm.

You're looking so good.

I don't know where I am. I don't recognize this place anymore. Don't remember anybody.
But then there comes you. To keep me safe from harm.  Here comes you, to take me in your arms.

Isn't this just a game? I don't know. You're playing me right? Like a game? Because that's what it feels like. It'd be nice to break my heart; wouldn't it? I guess it's time for me to play my cards. But once I do, you'll just come back again. To keep me same from harm.

This is just a game isn't it? You love this game. Well, I hate it. I'm tired of playing.

Take my hand and my heart will break. I'll give in to your kisses on the ground.
And let you win.

"Hello? Are you there?"

I'm so alone.

No one will listen.

All I want is for someone to talk to me.

That's it. One person.

But there's no one.

"Hello?"

I can't deal with this stress and anxiety by myself.

I need just one person to tell me what to choose.

I need help, care, love.

But there's no one here to give that to me.

"I'm here."

I'm running out of gas. 

I can't keep up the pace anymore.

Please someone slow down so I can catch you.

I'm miserable. Can't you tell?

Hello? Anyone?

"I'm listening! Open your damn ears and listen to me!

I've been here all along! Haven't you noticed? 

We used to talk all the time. Now, you've changed. 

Shut the world out.

I've been waiting for you just like you've been waiting for me.

Please. I'm right here, my sweet. I'll always be here. You just need to listen.

Just once. 

I'll be waiting."

Buttons.

Buttons

You came with extra buttons.
Yes, incase you lose one.
I understand, but you've left me emotionally gutted.

Rumpus

You are now the king; and you will be a truly great king.



Aw, yea. It looks good on him, look. hahaha


He looks great, our king. King... a king.


It looks perfect on him. Fresh king.



Hey king, what's your first order of business?



Let the wild rumpus start. 

Perfect. 



One we say, off we go


Two we say, off we go



To the door, in the floor


It's the dawn of the day


You can stop


And just say that it's mine



I know we don't need it


All in line we go


We don't need it


All in line you go,

go,

go,

go.

Wild Things

                      

Oh please don’t go.

I’ll eat you up.

I love you so.

Listening to Storytime.

My mom wakes me up. I don't budge. She drags my lifeless body to school. Still I don't acknowledge her or our surroundings. We arrive. I walk; in my frilly pink dress. I think to myself, "What am I wearing?" I make it inside. I nod to my *friends*, but smile an empty, toothy, meaningless grin to my acquaintances. It's all for show, right? All I need to do is pretend like I'm happy for a few hours and then I can go home.

I'm in class now. We practice our times tables. Bor-ing. The recess bell rings. So loud. I tell it to shut up; it's giving me a headache. Of course, he is rude and doesn't stop ringing. Everyone runs outside. Screaming. Laughing. So naive, they are. Don't they know the dangers of outside? I'm safe in here, I tell myself. If I don't go outside, it'll never happen again. Nothing can hurt me in here, I think. I prepare myself. Deep breath. The first flashback comes and goes. Not too bad this time. So I wait. I'm quiet. My teacher doesn't even come and tell me to go outside anymore. We both know it's no use.

The class comes back. Filthy. Who's the smart one now? We start science. No experiment today. I hate science. The lunch bell rings. Why are there so many bells? Bells are stupid. I grab my plastic lunch box with four best friends on the front. They look so happy. I think, why can't I have that? Then I remember. It's my fault. I push everyone away. I'm afraid that if I befriend anyone, they'll get hurt just like me. I shouldn't be afraid of my brothers like this. It's not normal; not healthy. And not just one brother, two!

Oh great. I've been called on. Now everyone's laughing at me. Because I was so out of it that I couldn't answer. When will this daydreaming end? Storytime? I HATE storytime. Everyone knows those happy endings don't really exist. Let's be realistic here. The teacher starts reading and immediately my thoughts start drifting. Oh good. They're happy thoughts this time. I can hear my teachers voice over my thoughts but I have no idea what she's reading about. Something about a cat? No..a, duck? Ugly duckling. That's me. I'm ugly. Ugly. He told me I'm not ugly. Behind locked doors. They both did. Daydreaming. No. Terrors. My parents left the house often and said that they'd both watch us; protect us. They have no idea. I'm playing outside and he comes to me. They come to me. Touch me. They take me into my room and lock the door. I wonder... What's going on? We've never done this before.. Oh. Wow. This is new. Different. Exhilarating. I don't say stop. I kinda want to do this again.. Is that wrong? I don't care.

It's been three years and this is still going on. I'm almost 11 now. Why won't it stop? I'm disgusted with myself. I just want to feel normal again. I just want to tell someone..

Eyes

It's way past my bedtime. I should be sleeping. But I'm not. Dang homework.

My middle finger hurts and has an indent from writing. Stupid homework.

My pinky is black from smearing my hard work. I hope it doesn't look sloppy.

My pen is running out of ink from writing for so long. I hope I can end soon.

My iPhone is newly updated because I became bored with my homework.

I've gotten to the point where my music is turned off because the songs finished and I'm too focused to choose new ones.

My eyes are drooped and burning from staying up too late.

Can I be done now?

GREEN with Envy.

Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll

I can't write poems.
I've tried so many times.
Maybe I can, I just don't believe that I can.
We'll try again later.
But as for now, I'm just going to wallow in self pity.

I love this poem because Carroll uses such abnormal words.
Would I ever come up with words like brillig? Or tulgey? Or fabjous? No. Never.
I'm mad because I wish I wrote the poem. I want the credit.
This sucks.

All in all, I need help.
My goal is to be able to write a decent poem. Mmk?
But by reading this, I know I won't because the confidence I had for myself just dropped about 35 points.
Hopefully I'll get back up there..
Maybe one day.

Awake

I'm awake. I swear I am. I'm always awake. Aren't I? I swear I'm awake because these dreams are so real. I swear I'm awake.

This is the part of my day that I am always looking forward to. It's not nighttime. It's daytime. And I'm sleeping. MmmMmm good. Don't wake me Ruchti; I'm dreaming.

But I'm awake. Aren't I? I can hear you all talking. So loud. So I'm awake then? How? These dreams are so real. But I can hear you. Am I awake?

Ahhh. Schools over. Going home to nap. 

~Someone stops me to talk. *Don't. I'm tired. I can't wait to go sleep.* I'm speed walking now. I'm picturing the couch by the fireplace. You know. the one that releases my favorite sleeping drug; I love it.

I'm home now. I'm laying down. I try to steady my breathing, but I can't. Why is this so hard? Wasn't I tired? My mind starts drifting but my eyes will not close. My eyes start closing..finally. My brother comes home from school.

Damn. I'm awake. 

Dream Away.

You asked to know what I dream of. I don’t want to tell you. But I will.

When I wake up, I dream of: Being on time.

During school, I dream of: Boys. 

After school, I dream of: My love for the game.

At dinner time, I dream of: FOOD.

During homework, I dream of: My bed. :) 

On cold days, I dream of: Being back on the beaches in Hawaii; reading my favorite book.

On warm days, I dream of: Being stuck in a cabin because of the bad winter storm.

Everyday, I dream of: Love.

My actual dreams during the night? Being chased by animals. Particularly bears, snakes, and rabbits.

No joke.

Courage.

Courage is being brave. That's the bottom line. I recently noticed someone who isn't afraid to be brave; no matter the circumstances.
We're on vacation and even though she's clearly aware, she doesn't seem to notice the homeless that are gross or scary or weird. It's like she's never witnessed them before. But I know she has. She's had to! Hasn't she? I mean, we live in Utah and there are homeless people. I know she doesn't give every one of them money. But here, it seems like every single one we run into she runs up to them with a dollar bill in her hand and a huge smile on her face.
It reminds me of a child's innocence. Although she isn't a young child, she has the sweet, tender heart that we all long to keep throughout our lives.
I don't think I have enough courage to spend alllll of my money on Just homeless people.
I feel bad because not all homeless people are "homeless". Some could be lying. Also, most aren't just hungry. They want drugs and other things. So it's always been hard for me to give them money because I can't trust them.
I guess I should learn from her and be more courageous, but I can't. At least someone has courage.

I wait.

The flight was delayed. Over an hour. It's already half an hour to midnight. The gray haired-gray mustached man near me sits in a pink, pin-striped button down with his hands behind his head like he has all the time in the world. There's a mom, single maybe? Sitting with her daughter who looks around 3 years old wearing polkadot rain boots with a high ponytail. So young, so happy. To my left is the smoking area. 5 people. Max. Who the heck smokes this late in the night? The man in the pink just coughed.
I'm still waiting.

A wave of sound crashes over me from behind. Talking. Talking everywhere. Who the heck talks this loud this late at night? Two boys: one with curly brown hair, long sideburns; the other with clean cut black hair, Chicago bulls hat. Playing thumb war. So childish.
I'm jealous. And still waiting.

There are Indians everywhere. Not native American ones. The other ones. Arent I still in Utah? What gives? They're sleeping though so I guess I'm okay. Next to them is a bald guy. Late twenties. Plaid button down, paired with a black zip up jacket. He's eating. I've eaten too much today, but I still want to have what he's having.
As I sit. Still waiting.

Laughter. What's so funny? I want in. Nothing's funny this late at night. Who am I kidding. Everything's funny this late at night. Especially with a lot of kids around. Where did all of these kids come from? Why are they flying so late at night? They should be sleeping. I should be sleeping. And yet, I'm still sitting here.
Waiting.

99 Reasons to be Fit.

1. To be able to outrun everyone.
2. To kiss ass and to kick ass.
3. For the abs of steel.
4. For the buns of steel.
5. To be stronger.
6. To feel healthier.
7. To be better than ever.
8. One word: ENDORPHINS.
9. To treat my body how it deserves to be treated.
10. So I can be unstoppable.
11. Because I CAN do it.
12. To live longer.
13. To show men that women can do it as well.
14. To look good.
15. To prove others wrong.
16. Because all of the pain I'll go through is just the weakness leaving my body.
17. To not worry about pictures being taken of me and how I look.
18. To be able to defend myself.
19. To be able to keep up with my kids.
20. To see what I'm made of.
21. Because exercising can be relaxing.
22. To know that I am in charge of MY life.
23. For the muscles.
24. To make boys feel like clumsy amateurs in the weight room.
25. To surpass the limits I thought I had.
26. To prove to myself that I am strong.
27. Because what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
28. Because who said girls couldn't lift?
29. For the body I've always wanted.
30. To kick someone's ass if needed.
31. To beat my boyfriend in a pushup competition.
32. To gain power.
33. To just do it.
34. Because pain is temporary, and pride is forever.
35. To feel sexy in my own skin.
36. If Snooki can do it, so can I.
37. To respect my body.
38. To finish ahead of the boys.
39. Because the sense of accomplishment is extraordinary.
40. To be confident enough to run in only a sports bra and shorts.
41. To beat my personal best.
42. To be remembered as "The fit one" and not "The lazy one".
43. To be able to sell tickets to the gun show;)
44. Because a number doesn't define me.
45. To feel and look good while naked.
46. Because I want people to know I'm a stud.
47. Because the fitter I am in the long run, the better the sex.
48. For a healthy heart.
49. To have something to smile about, even on a bad day.
50. To outrun the zombies.
51. To show off my legs and booty.
52. So that one day, I'll appear in fitness photos.
53. To be the one people go to for tips and suggestions.
54. To be other peoples reasons to be fit.
55. For the before and after.
56. To have something to look forward to.
57. To have brains AND brawn.
58. Because I am committed.
59. Because fit>skinny.
60. To be able to run on the beach without feeling self conscious.
61. Because I'm better than what people think of me.
62. To see what my body was made to look like.
63. Because fit people are amazing:)
64. Because victory belongs to the most persevering.
65. Unless I puke, faint, or die, I'll keep going.
66. Still doing it.
67. No excuses.
68. Because greatness is earned. Not awarded.
69. To reach MY finish line.
70. To I earn my body.
71. I do because I CAN, I can because I WANT to, I want to because you said I COULDN'T.
72. To be THAT girl.
73. To bleed the game.
74. Because my sweat is fat crying.
75. Because the more I work out, the weaker his knees get.
76. If I want it bad enough, I'll bust my ass to get it.
77. Endurance: because I am my fiercest competition.
78. To feed the spark to make it a flame; to feed the flame before it becomes a fire.
79. To do it now because sometimes later becomes never.
80. Life is a sport. Make it count.
81. To catch them staring at me.
82. To be less self conscious.
83. To never have to take another "before" picture.
84. Because I want to be a BEAST.
85. Because, why the hell not?
86. To lift more than the boys.
87. Because this is my therapy.
88. To feel my muscles quiver in a good way.
89. Everything I need is already inside.
90. So my feet will hurt from kicking so much ass.
91. Because the road is a good listener.
92. Because great bodies aren't born, they're forged.
93. Because being fit means the world to me.
94. I need to suck it up so one day I won't have to suck it in.
95. To let every bead of sweat motivate me a little more.
96. To be able to punch today in the face.
97. Because I can't fake fitness.
98. Because my Stronger, Fitter evil-twin is plotting to kill me.
99. To work hard, eat clean, and talk dirty.

Who Would Turn Off My Coffee Pot?

If I died today

Who’d turn off my coffee pot?

Would there be a street parade?

Would I just be an after-thought?

If I died today

Would I still be a waiter?

Could I fly around like superman?

Would I make the Sunday paper?

I wonder who I’d see

Crying standing over me.

Who would just send their regards?

Would anybody say “at least he’s in a better place?”

And who would get this old guitar?

If I died today

Would my mom keep on praying?

Would my buddies go out drinking?

Would my alarm clock keep on blinking?

If I died today

Would I need to be ashamed?

Would I be easy to forget?

Could I live with my regrets?

If I died today

Could I see my room from Heaven?

Would my family talk about me

At Christmas and Thanksgiving?

If I died today,

Who’d turn off my coffee pot?

*Tim McGraw

Aren’t these the things we all wonder?

All day, everyday?

Aren’t these the words we all silently whisper when we’re in our bathroom? 
Looking at our reflection through sunken eyes?

I would say that these are my words, but they’re not. They’re OUR words.

These are the words spread through sorrow, despair, and grief.

Luckily, they don’t have to be.

We can change their meaning.

I don’t know about you, but I know I see them differently.

I see these words as excitement.

I can’t wait for the day that I die so I can see if these things come true.

However, I know that they won’t happen if I don’t live my life to it’s fullest right now.

I need to be happy with who I am and what I’m doing today. And if I am, then I know those things will fulfill themselves.

One at a time.

So if I really did die today, who would turn off my coffee pot?

Inhale.

It's okay if all you did today was just...


Breathe.

I am a Coward.

Being afraid stresses me out. Yet, I can't seem to stop being afraid all of the time.

I'm afraid of turning things in late.
I'm afraid of disappointing teachers.
I'm afraid of disappointing my parents.
Being home alone at night scares me.
But being home alone with certain people scares me more.

Does that ⬆ make me a coward?
Or does this ⬇ make me a coward?

I'm afraid of losing things I have and losing things I have yet to receive.
I'm afraid of losing myself.
I'm afraid of losing the game and being disqualified.

I'm terrified that my leg will never heal.
I'm terrified of cancer even though I don't have it.
I'm terrified of dying young.
I'm terrified of becoming over weight.

Am I a coward yet?

I'm afraid that people won't like me because of my curly hair.
I'm afraid that my 2 second first impression is never good enough.
I'm afraid of seeing how pictures of me will turn out.

How about now?

You see, even though I'm so scared all the time, I'm okay.
Because being scared makes me... me.

Don't go

You seem too good

Too good to be true
You're holding me stronger
Stronger than I'm used to

Don't go out with the boys tonight

I won't sleep a wink wondering what you're doing

Don't go out with the girls tonight

I will turn to drink wondering who you're screwing

Tug of war

Sweet as sin

I let go

I fell in

Feel the pull

Call your name

I'm alone

Once again

*courtesy of Carly Rae Jepsen

Splinters and Bawling

During the day

I'm not thinking about you. 

I'm thinking about everything but you.

I don't think about you like papers think about pens

like rivers think about bends

like farmers think about hens.

I don't think about you like wood thinks about fire

like stores think about buyers

like Ms. J thinks about choir.

I don't think about you like that.

I don't think about you like basketballs think about dunks

like music thinks about funk

like my grandma thinks I'm a punk.

I don't think about you like rocks think about scissors

like feet think about splinters

like Mr. Nelson thinks about the beginners

that suck.

I don't think about you like that.

But during the night, 

while I lie awake in bed,

I'll admit to thinking about you.

I can't stop thinking about you.

I'm thinking about you like cd's think about burning

like pages think about turning

like children think about learning.

I'm thinking about you like nerds think about quirks

like girls think about jerks

like creeps think about where to lurk.

I think about you like that.

I'm thinking about you like leaves think about falling

like babies think about crawling

like I think about bawling.

I'm thinking about you like customers think about complaints

like walls think about paint

like you think about restraint.

I think about you like that.

You see, I think about you.

I think about you a lot.

I think about you like.. A Lot. 

Now will you stop asking?

In honor of Valentines Day.

Tomorrow is Feb. 14th! I am in the 6th grade so I get to go to the Valentines Dance tomarrow! All of my friends think that my dress is ugle, but I am going to wear it anyway. I have done some of my valentines, so in the morning, I will finish them. *****'s outfit is so cute! ******* never showed me hers, so I don't know what it looks like yet. Also, I wonder what ******* will wear, ******, and *******. The people who are decorating the gym for the Valentines Dance, are almost all boys. So everyone is wondering what it will look like. I need my beauty sleep. JK! Ha!

Feb. 14th!- Today is Valentines Day! I went to school dressed up all nice. My parents and my brother all came to watch me dance at my school dance, for Valentines. My brother will now draw a picture for Valentines Day! Home Sweet Home! 

Lovesong

Love is,

  Two people falling in love.

  a fathers first look at his brand new baby.

  a babies first hug, laugh, smile.

  a child's first owie being kissed all better. 

Love is soft.

  A mom buying their child an ice cream cone for no reason.

  a parent being at every game/concert/recital no matter what.

  a best friend.

  being allowed to stay up late to finish your 

  favorite show even though you have school the next day.

Love is kind.

  A teenager’s first crush.

  a young adults first love.

  two people getting married.

  starting a family.

Love is young.

  A father watching his daughter go through relationship heartache.

  a mother being there for her son when he has no one else to turn to.

  parents crying as their new grandchild dies.

  a child crying over all of the yelling.

Love is pain.

  Growing old together.

  supporting all grandkids in everything they do.

  watching your spouse die and dying shortly after from heartbreak.

  looking down on your family from heaven and making sure they're safe.

Love is old.

Love is.

The Beginning.

This is the Introduction to the beginning of something new. Something blue, and something true. 

Throughout the course of this class, I plan to share my experiences and happiness with you all. I hope you all will spend your day wondering what I will write next. Hopefully you will all be excited to race your sorry butt's home each day to read about what I have to say.

This will be an adventure for us all. I am excited to get started and prove to the world my excellence and smartality.. So let's get started! :)